


save yourself, serve yourself

by imiriad



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Bad Ending, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-24
Updated: 2015-12-24
Packaged: 2018-05-06 12:43:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5417528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imiriad/pseuds/imiriad
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ludger gives up everything for his older brother, so Julius can only do the same.<br/>Takes place after the bad ending.</p>
            </blockquote>





	save yourself, serve yourself

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Rethira](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rethira/gifts).



Ludger doesn't say a single word on the long walk to Marksburg Station. There's a buzz from the bystanders who had witnessed the violent scene, some still in shock, others whispering in concern and fear. After witnessing Ludger dispatch eight others on his own, however, not one dares to block his way or raise their voice against him. Julius can feel Ludger's shoulders trembling, even as he sets his hand against Julius's back, encouraging him to lean on him. His expression is closed, lips together, eyes straight ahead, until Julius slows to a stop.

Ludger flinches when he finds Julius staring at him. The reaction is a knife through Julius's heart, greater than any physical pain. _He_ is supposed to be the strong one, the one to shield Ludger from any kind of suffering in the world, despite the costs—he'd promised Ludger when he was little, too little to have the memory of it now. But Julius does. He remembers everything between them, down to the very first time he'd held Ludger in his arms (still small enough to lift with just one), murmuring, "She just wouldn't listen. I wasn't going to tell anyone," to wide eyes that understood absolutely nothing.

He wonders if his expression back then is in any way close to Ludger's now. Julius steps in front of him, raising his good arm to wipe Ludger's blood-flecked cheeks clean with his sleeve. "There," he says once he's finished. "All better."

Ludger gives him a weak smile.

They take the train back to Elympios.

Ludger rests his head on Julius's shoulder, hand slipping down to brush against his knuckles. The blackened limb is mostly numb when it isn't on fire, but Julius thinks he can feel Ludger's warmth despite that. Rollo curls in his lap, a heavy and furry reminder that Julius is still alive. A bizarre thought.

Nova is waiting dejectedly in front of the apartment complex when they return. The second he spots her, Ludger all but hides behind Julius, like he's eight years old and scared of the darkness, the rain and every sound that came with them.

"Hey, you two!" Nova lights up, jumping to her feet. "The way Ludger ran off like that really freaked me out! I was almost worried you were dead or something!" Her poor choice of words makes Ludger tense beside him. As she comes closer, she catches sight of the black stain on Julius's neck and chin. Concern comes over her usually smiling face. "Julius, are you—?"

"I'm fine, Nova. Nothing to worry about," Julius tells her with a tired laugh. "Ludger and I have just had a really, really long day today." He spots a paper bag by the steps where she'd been sitting. Tomatoes, plates, and what might be a bottle of wine or something stronger peek out. Knowing Nova, she was planning some sort of celebration for them both. She always did have the most unfortunate timing. "Sorry to be like this, but we're just going to head home and get a good rest. Maybe you can stop by again tomorrow, after work?"

Nova doesn't seem the slightest bit reassured by Julius's words, and for a moment, he thinks that she'll insist on sticking around. But then, she gives a slow nod. "Okay... if you say so. Tomorrow then!" She begins to leave, but pauses when she passes Ludger, who had neither raised his head nor acknowledged her. Julius squeezes his arm. "Hey..." Her voice softens. "Make sure you guys... take care of yourselves, you know? And each other." Ludger doesn't react, but Julius smiles as best he can under the circumstances. Nova lowers her head, and starts her walk back home.

Julius's eyes drop to the groceries she'd left behind. "Hey, Nova!"

Nova turns around, forced cheerfulness back on her face. "Yes? Oh! I bought all that stuff for you guys anyway. Just take it with you upstairs, my arms are tired! And don't you dare open that champagne before tomorrow!"

Before Julius can reach for it, Ludger is there to pick up the bag, clearly worried about his arm. The pain and spasms had gone and his muscles settled into a mere pulsing ache, but Julius accepts his consideration. "Thanks." Ludger shrugs and steps into the building.

Habit prevails as Ludger passes the mailbox. He digs into his pocket and pulls out his key, turning the lock before Julius even realizes what day it is and that he wasn't supposed to be here the next time Ludger checked his mail. Just as Ludger pulls the door open, Julius slams it shut, startling him fiercely. Hand pressed hard against it, Julius shakes his head. His heart pounds in his ears as he firmly whispers, "Don't." It's a warning and a plea.

But Ludger is a smart kid. He always was. It doesn't take him long to understand what Julius doesn't want him to see, and maybe that is almost as bad as seeing it for himself. His eyes darken, and he twists the lock back into its usual position. There's anger written in the stiffness of his jaw—not the unrestrained fury he had shown just an hour ago, but something cooler, concealed.

"It doesn't matter," Julius says. _Nothing does anymore,_ he thinks sadly. But that's even more reason to put it out of their minds. Ludger's expression doesn't change, even as they take the elevator up to their floor.

Watching Ludger swing open the door to their apartment is strange to him at first. Before he had left, Julius had taken one very last look around the place, unable to fight his regret. The stove where Ludger hummed over a soup-pot every Sunday, the bed where Rollo slept, the television where they spent all night watching movies whenever Julius was lucky enough to get a few days off.

"It's good to be home," he murmurs.

"Mrow!" The cat at his feet stares curiously from the threshold.

"You agree with me, huh, Rollo?" Julius walks inside, and closes the door behind him.

_Pop!_

The sudden sound makes him jump. Whirling around, he finds the source at the kitchen sink: Ludger with a freshly uncorked bottle of champagne.

Julius frowns. "Hey, Nova said to save that for tomorrow."

"Will there even be a tomorrow?" comes Ludger's voice, finally. It's so low that Julius nearly misses it, but he can't miss the bitterness in its depths.

"Ludger..." Julius doesn't know what to say to him, but when he sees Ludger shakily pouring the champagne into a glass, he knows he has to do something. "It wasn't your fault," he says, coming forward and slowly taking Ludger in his arms. The touch makes Ludger freeze, then shudder, before he crumbles, leaning into the embrace.

"They were my _friends,_ Julius," Ludger wheezes, angry, even as his eyes water. "How could they... force me to make that sort of decision...? How could _you_?" Blame is clear in his tone, and Julius feels it in kind, frustration doubled. How many years had he cursed the world, the spirits for giving them this lot in life? Yet Julius had turned himself into another instrument of that accursed fate despite himself. Ludger's fingers dig into Julius's jacket, pulling the fabric taut. "And the worst part is... I know I'd do it again if I had to." Ludger lets out a quiet sob as he lays his forehead on Julius's shoulder. "What kind of person does that make me?"

Julius remembers the days before. A lifetime ago. Back when the only things that could amuse him were violence and death. Hurting others had been his release, the single way to enjoy a sense of control in a world where he was only a pawn—of the gods, of the Kresniks, of his own father. Some days it took him to the point where he swore that if Ludger asked him _one more time_ where his mother had gone, Julius would take him there himself. All of those terrible urges and impulses were driven further into the fractured dimensions, where he could do whatever he wanted without a single lasting consequence.

But one day, Ludger stopped asking about her altogether. It was the same day that Julius had inexplicably found an overflowing basket of tomatoes on the counter. "The lady downstairs said we could have them," Ludger explained.

Julius had stared at the pile. It wasn't like he cooked. He never bothered to learn anything other the bare essentials and never practiced since the Spirius cafeteria was a short walk from the apartment building and included in his stipend. "I'm not sure we'll be able to eat all these."

"Um, I saw something on TV the other day..." Ludger was unusually talkative that day. His words came out rushed and stumbled, sentences gushing between deep breaths. "That's why I asked her if I could have more. It said that, tomatoes are really good for your health! So you should eat a lot of them." Ludger had a spark of fear in his eyes then, like he'd finally figured out that his mother wasn't going to come back, and that Julius was all he had instead. "I don't want you to get sick or... die. Like Mom did."

Julius had knelt down and pulled Ludger into a hug. It was a surprise when he'd felt how heavy he was all of a sudden, compared to the last time—until Julius realized that he hadn't held his younger brother in two long years.

The first dish Ludger ever made him had three servings worth of clumsily chopped tomatoes, overcooked pasta and a desperate need of salt. It was absolutely delicious.

He'd decided then. That no matter what, no matter what he needed to do or who he needed to harm, he would protect Ludger.

Even if he had to kill good people. Even if it doomed the human race.

Julius smiles sadly, easing Ludger's clenched fist from his coat and cradling it. "It makes _us_ two-of-a-kind."

And maybe, if he had seen that before, he could have done everything better. He'd thought that Ludger had found someone else to protect, someone he could give his life for, like Julius had all those years ago. It had hurt the very core of him, but... he still wanted to give Ludger his blessing and protect his heart, to help him protect her.

But somehow, everything had gone backwards. Elle had given herself up to Bisley in an effort to protect Ludger. Ludger had sacrificed all he'd gained so that he could protect Julius. And Julius... Julius is here holding what's left of it all, pressing his brother tightly to his chest, where he can safely wail or rage if he needs it.

"Maybe there will be a tomorrow," Julius murmurs. "Maybe Bisley... will complete the trial." As unpleasant and unlikely as the idea of the manipulative bastard getting everything he wanted is, it is its own sort of hope.

Ludger snorts. When he pulls back, Julius is relieved to see that his tears have dried, and the tension in his face has lightened. "If there is, I'll buy another bottle then," Ludger says and hands the filled glass to Julius. He pours himself his own and holds it up, but it hovers in the air, like he can't decide if he should make a toast or what worth there is in celebrating anything at all.

It's Julius to the rescue: how it always should have been. "To the best night of our lives," he says.

Ludger's eyebrows shoot straight up. "Huh?" Julius clinks their glasses together and takes a long gulp. It's bitter and sweet, and the bubbles tickle his throat on the way down.

"The one we're about to have," Julius explains. "If today is the last day, we shouldn't regret it."

Ludger's eyes soften. He brings the glass to his lips and drinks, then sets it back onto the counter. "Just... having you here with me, Julius... That's enough." Julius's heart simultaneously swells and aches as he looks at him. Ludger had always been a quiet, undemanding child. Julius loved to spoil him as much as he could, but Ludger had never known how to ask for the things he wanted. He still doesn't.

"That can't be it. How about, you can ask me to tell you or do anything you want." Ludger raises an eyebrow, but Julius can see the way his cheeks lightly flush. "Anything!" Julius encourages. "It's a limited time offer."

Ludger bites his bottom lip. He gives Julius a little glance from beneath his lashes, and quietly asks, "Are we really brothers?"

Now it's Julius's turn to be surprised. "What's that supposed to mean?"

A shrug. "I don't remember our parents. It's always just been us." Julius can't place the expression Ludger makes, eyebrows knitted and mouth twisted in a near-frown. He wonders how long Ludger had been questioning it, if he worried that Julius was only a helpful stranger who adopted him after his mother's death and raised him as though they were family.

Julius pats Ludger's head. "We are," he says. "Half-brothers. Or well, our mothers were sisters, so... a bit more than just half-brothers." He doesn't know how much Ludger has pieced together from his conversations, or how much Bisley has told him, but he doesn't say who their father is. It hardly matters now.

Yet, instead of being reassured, Ludger looks like his last bit of hope has been snuffed out. "Oh."

That's when Julius finally understands the significance of it all. How desperately Ludger had held Julius in his arms, the pure anguish in his voice as he screamed with frustration, how he could deafen his ears to the sound of his friends' pleas. Why he couldn't take the remnants of Julius's life, even if it was to save Elle, and everyone else.

How cruel had he been, Julius wonders, in not noticing it until now?

"Ludger. I would have given my life for you. I still would give anything for you. You should know that by now. If I had been honest... my true wish was just for us to stay together, but I was ready to throw it away without even asking what you wanted, because I thought you'd be happier that way." A self-deprecating laugh. "I was a real idiot, huh?"

Ludger swallows thickly, and nods. "Yeah..."

"So, Ludger... If there's anything you want me to do..." Julius falters for just an instant, but finishes strongly, "I'll do it."

Julius thinks he sees Ludger's eyes linger on his mouth. There had been a fractured dimension like this, once. He'd pushed it out of his mind because Ludger had been _fourteen_ at the time, with no business sliding into his brother's lap with fluttering lashes and clumsy kisses. Julius had been relieved to destroy it.

But he can't imagine doing the same now. Not when Ludger had done so much for him without asking a single thing in return. Julius is all but giving Ludger permission, yet he still hesitates. "What if... nothing happens?" Ludger asks. "Or it takes weeks, or months?"

Hope is finally back in Ludger's eyes, so Julius does not say he probably won't last much longer anyway. Instead, he smiles. "That's a good thing, isn't it?"

Julius brings his hand to Ludger's face, tracing the delicate jawline. It feels like he's looking at Ludger for the first time since he was young, really looking. His cute, rounded face had slimmed out, narrowed into one that was finely handsome, hinting at the strength that lay within. Ludger shivers, from the touch or the attention or both, cheeks growing pink as he meets Julius's eyes. The moment Julius brushes those pursed lips, Ludger's indecisiveness explodes into action. He surges forward, kissing Julius deeply.

Julius has to hold himself stable against the kitchen counter as Ludger wraps his arms around his neck. "Julius," Ludger pants between sloppy, urgent kisses. "I don't think I can live without you." A hand slips down Ludger's back and settles at his waist, pulling him flush against his older brother's body.

The end of the world tastes like champagne and sweat. Julius does not regret it one bit.


End file.
